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Lindsay Lohan Suffers From 'Labor Pains'
Pregnancy comedy a lazy bore
Brian Orndorf (briano)     Print Article 
Published 2009-07-10 15:36 (KST)   
Burning through a film career in the same time it takes some people to shop for car insurance, Lindsay Lohan suffered a major blow two years back when she agreed to star in the laughable thriller, 쏧 Know Who Killed Me. It was then and there that Ms. Lohan went from a praiseworthy ingenue to a bad actress statistic, effectively killing her screen career through a series of poor artistic and personal choices.

쏬abor Pains symbolizes Lohan셲 attempt to climb the Hollywood rope all over again, forgoing an interesting, cunning rebirth to make a dreadful sitcom-style film that merely asks her to show up and stand in front of a camera. 쏱ains is aptly titled, placing the visibly exhausted star in the center of a motherhood farce that셲 miles above her skill level.

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A beleaguered secretary at a publishing house, Thea (Lindsay Lohan) is trying to protect her job from an abusive boss (Chris Parnell), desperate to support her sister through college. Threatened with termination, Thea claims pregnancy, much to the surprise of the office and workplace BFF, Lisa (Cheryl Hines).

Now forced to fake her way to term, Thea embarks on a series of foam bellies and bewildered reactions to the stages of pregnancy. Charming the pants off Nick (Luke Kirby), her ambitious superior, Thea is placed in charge of a sardonic pregnancy book written by a curious expectant mother (Bonnie Somerville), leaving her deception wide open for discovery.

쏬abor Pains isn셳 a devastatingly awful picture that requires a bottle of booze and a nap to flush out of the system, but it셲 offensively sub-par. Filmmaker Lara Shapiro doesn셳 exactly direct the feature, she셲 just simply the one in charge, ordered to manufacture something airy and cute out of a pile of cliches and bored actors. Shapiro shows no authority here, lacking any semblance of spunky comic timing to boost 쏱ains to a plateau of giggles.

Shapiro also horrible with organization, leaving Thea셲 boyfriend Miles (played with typical repulsion by Aaron Yoo), a complete mystery: the character is introduced, somehow agrees to this bizarre con (we never see his reaction), and is quickly ushered away as a nuisance, making room for Thea to make googly eyes with Nick.

Oh yes, did I mention 쏬abor Pains is more of a romantic comedy than a pregnancy spoof?

Reducing the script to a mere photocopy of any other rom-com around, 쏱ains holds to this notion that it셲 better to focus on bringing these opposites together than playfully toy with Thea셲 anxiety. Of course, it doesn셳 help that Lohan and Kirby share the type of chemistry you셝 find with a pair of strangers awaiting appointments at Planned Parenthood, or that the actors are lacking the needed charisma to allow the viewer a chance to root for these fools.

Shapiro, clinging to formula with the dedication of a nun to Jesus, instead pounds the square subplot into the round hole of the movie, making the final 20 minutes of the film (the requisite break-up-to-make-up scenario) something out of a bad Matthew McConaughey movie. And by bad Matthew McConaughey movie I mean all the Matthew McConaughey movies.

쏬abor Pains is a dreary comedy, lazily going through the motions, accurately reflecting Lohan셲 current interest level in her own self-worth. There셲 nothing funny or sweet about it. The film is just a puddle of mediocrity from filmmakers who couldn셳 be bothered with putting some effort into their work, and a lead actress who셲 only trolling for a quick paycheck.

©2009 OhmyNews
Other articles by reporter Brian Orndorf

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